Monday, July 21, 2008

Stop loving someone who doesn’t love you

I don't know if western culture of the article below can apply to our society! hope at lease a few points can help those who have been brokenhearts.
Naturally, men and woman couple in order to reproduce, however their different forms of reasoning, options, desire, preference and visions affect the ‘love’ within a relationship. In this regard, this issue of our magazine highlights a love thought of by only one party.

When one exerts much effort to keep love alive within a relationship and it then fails, the one trying to hold the relationship together is heartbroken because the one that they love has rejected them. In such a circumstance, the one with a broken heart needs to recognize that the relationship is over and to make a clear decision to stop pursuing this person as they are unable to love in return. To do this however, psychological findings reveal the reason behind why some relationships do not work and why in some instances love cannot be reciprocated. The reason is quite simple, the loved one cannot accept love from the lover because it is not a mutual feeling, and the love is not considered by both parties. There are several reasons to why it is hard to stop loving and to forget such intense love, these due to her/him: 1. always thinking about the good qualities found within the loved one; 2. reminiscing over any little thing from the past such as text message and e-mails that were written in the heat of the moment; and 3. not speaking the truth in front of the loved one, this is, keeping the feeling of love as a secret.

To stop loving someone that does not love you in return, you first have to accept that face the truth that your love is not possible. You then need to rid yourself of anything that could remind you of him such as text messages and songs you listened to. Another tip that will help you to forget the person is to think that there are kenhearted person, could find true love with, a love that is felt with passion on both sides. In other words, you realize that the person you previously loved is not the perfect person.

When applying all of these tips, the brokenhearted person can forget the memory of a love lost and all the other factors that lead you to love this person. To be released from this spiritual tension, you need to convince yourself that you will meet a better person or think that the person you previously loved is no longer important to you.

Another approach to help forget about a person who does not love you is to try and end the routine of thinking about them, over and over again. Stop saying that 1. I cannot live without you; 2. I cannot stop loving you; 3. I love this person more than any other; 4. I cannot love anyone else; 5. there is not one better than this person, the are perfect...


How Do You Stop Loving Someone?
You’ve tried to move forward with your life but you just can't help it, you still love him/her. People have told you “learn from it and get over it” but it’s not as easy as it seems because you feel stuck.

How do you switch off those feelings?

You can’t. If you truly loved him/her you will never stop loving. When you truly love someone (I am not talking about the ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven kind of thing most of us think is love), you never ever get over it. That’s just the way love is.

When we fall in true love, we open ourselves to a part of ourselves that is far much bigger and more powerful than just our mind, will and emotions. But because our understanding of this “thing called love’ is so limited (mind, will and emotions) we attach love to a particular person, someone outside of us. We see that person as a love object instead of a reflection of ourselves, a possession to hold onto instead of a conduit for the expression of the love within us.

This ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven sense of love tends to think and act as if both love and time are elusive or actively evading us. We are constantly searching, planning, manipulating and worrying about how love will stay in our lives. We try to hold onto it: set limits on time to call after a date, when to say “I love you”, when to expect a commitment etc. We are distracted by all the other ego-driven impulses such as jealousy, sense of inadequacy, fear of responsibility, not to mention power control.

When the person goes away, our limited understanding of love tries to explain the void left by that person using our mind, will and emotions. We struggle with trying to make ‘”sense’, will ourselves not to think about the person and control our emotions but all that just ends up in a frustrated effort. Occasionally, our limited understanding tries to get the person back using the same futile attempts and when that fails too, we try using the same limited understanding to try and move on, but with no apparent luck.

What do you do with those feelings of love?

1. Sort out what is true love and what is ego-fear -driven about your feelings.

2. After you've established what is true love about your feelings hold onto that. Don't be afraid of what's in your heart.

3. Do some real inner cleaning up of all the junk that is keeping you in ego-ridden, selfish controlling, fear driven ways of loving. This does require risk in the sense of losing "grip" of what you have been familiar with all your life. But this step in absolutely necessary - no one can do it for you. It is this liberating of yourself that leads to a condition of happiness never before experienced.

With an expanding perspective of love, you will start to draw into your life people who reflect the balance and love you have achieved internally. Depending on where you are at, you will attract (i) people who are also searching for their inner balance/peace, or (ii) people who have already been on that path and found what you are searching for, people who will help and support you through your own journey.

I have had clients who are drawn to a chance meeting with an ex and because they are vibrating a different energy, the feelings are rekindled both ways. In other cases, they call me up and say, I met my ex at such and such a place “I still love/him/her but I do not feel like we are right for each other anymore” and they meet someone else. I have also had clients who try to reach out to an ex but found the other person in the frame of mind where they think and feel they are happier with someone else. But they are not devastated because they understand the nature of love and are confident that they will experience those feelings with someone again.

Don't surround yourself with imagined limitations, and deny yourself the opportunity to experience true love!

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.

Eyes in eyes magazine, 9-12/06/2008
Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
It’s a wretched, miserable existence when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Whether their eyes glaze over when they see you, or you’re “just a friend”, it sucks. It can do serious damage to self esteem. You find yourself wishing, trying, and thinking (maybe even obsessively. It’s ok, I won’t tell) and you can very well reach a point of despair.What I’ve noticed would happen in a situation like this is sometimes you may find yourself trying to alter yourself to the person’s pleasing. Or worse - what you THINK that person likes. Sometimes desperation makes you do things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. I just wanted to put this out there for the eager eyes that read this.

That person’s - or anyone’s - opinion of you for that matter does not define you or your value.
You are not any less smart, sexy, clever, talented, anything. Thinking in this way only aggravates the effects you feel from rejection. It’s a quick launch to a negative space that will certainly affect all aspects of your life. I’m not saying don’t be sad. But know who you are.
Don’t Cheapen Yourself

You know exactly what I’m talking about. Doing things you don’t want to do, that you wouldn’t do, that devalues or humiliates you to appease a soul. It’s not going to make them love you anymore and some unsavory characters would gladly lead such a circus at the expense of their conscience at old age (stay with me here) for the attention and care from such a wonderful person such as yourself. Who doesn’t love some TLC? Don’t compromise yourself. I’m going to say it again. DON’T compromise yourself.
Accepting Reality

It’s ok to hurt. To feel pain, to feel sad. But it’s not ok to refuse that person’s rejection, obsess, and bring yourself to new degrees of low. The bad news is the object of your affection doesn’t share those same feelings with you. But don’t count yourself out yet. There is someone who can appreciate you and return your adoration, like you deserve somewhere out there. I say deserve with conviction because I know - its so easy to take even small common courtesies as signs of someone warming up to you because you want that love so badly. But, my friend, that’s a baseline. Common courtesy… is common. Or at least it ought to be. It’s not love.
Be Good To Yourself

You will find that I’ll say this often because when I’m seeking that advice, I hear it so very often and I agree with it. We are so very good at beating ourselves up for what we deem our shortcomings. How about some of that adoration for that person… for yourself. You have the right to feel good you know, as you work on breaking that cycle and refocusing yourself and your sights on something or someone else. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts like hell. So for your own sake, think about implementing these things that I’ve mentioned. Easier said than done, trust me - I know. But when you’re ready to be done with the whole misery aspect of it all, it will deliver a very necessary breakthrough.

18 comments:

Nara said...

Hmm...I didn't expect that u like relationship issue too. I thought u were a nerd who likes to read, write and take pictures. Anyway, it's quite interesting. Good topic for all the victims of love.

chharda said...

it hard to do but must try , how are u sis , when we can meet again ? should be end of this month ? cuz we must meet for sth right hehehe ...i hope u remember na

Rath said...

*Nara: hey! the words are too serious and not so nice...Re-write!
&bong:hahha i remember tah :P

Anonymous said...

its seriously a very good topic
amazing
keep it up
GOD bless u
i hope u'll write more

S Chey said...

Prefer to say love someone regardless of what they have thought or done to me. When I truly love someone I think what I can do for her rather than what I can expect from her. : )

Anonymous said...

This is really helpfu. IM going through the hardest time of my life. Im a guy who never cries and all i can do its that now. I don't know what to do since this is all so fresh but this really helps to point me in the right direction. Thanks

Anonymous said...

This article is spot on. Not only did I experience exactly what the author is saying, but I am in the healing stages and recognize how true and important it is to accept the situation, not alter who I am to please that person, to stop interpreting common courtesies as signs of their love for me, and truly open myself to someone new that can indeed love me in the same way. I'm going to print this article out and keep reading it every day until it exhausts me.

Good luck to all the other broken hearts out there! I feel your pain.

Rath said...

life goes on ^^

Anonymous said...

beautifully written...exactly similar to my situation...i cn identify with it sooo damn easily...! ty! you helped me a lot through this!

Rath said...

life is too short to hold on with someone who doesn't value our love or just not the right one! why not jsut keep go on with beautiful life ahead us :)

Anonymous said...

I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS PAIN FOR SOME TIME & IT NEVER SEEMED TO END.NOT ONLY WAS HE FEEDING ME WITH A LONG HANDLED SPOON MY FEELINGS CHANGED WHEN HED COME AROUND FROM OVERJOYED TO FEAR.THE FEAR OF MAKING ANY SIMPLE MISTAKE & HIM NOT CHOOSING TO LOVE ME ANYMORE.IM EDUCATING MYSELF NOW ABOUT THIS PERSON.I EXTENDED LOVE & HE TOOK & REQUIRED MORE & MORE.HE FELT HE WAS ENTITLED TO IT CAUSE HE HAD ME IN A BOX OF FEAR TO CHALLENGE HIM TO RECIPRECATE LOVE.I DIDNT WANT TO LOOSE HIM BUT I NEVER REALLY HAD HIM.HE USED & ABUSED ME & MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.NOW ITS A DAY TO DAY PROCESS WITH PRAYER STRENGTH & EDUCATION TO TAKE MY RESPECT LOVE & SANITY BACK.HE WASNT WORTH IT.BEWARE OF THE NARCISSIST MAN!GAURD YOUR SPIRIT & HEART.THEY ARE OUT THERE!

Anonymous said...

No one seems to want to deal with an unpleasant harsh truth of life--not love but sex.If someone is in fact,sexually unattractive,then nothing can do about the fact that they,by and large will not attract anyone or will be rejected by someone who doesn't fund them attractive,This is not about love or intimacy or about "relationships".If that sexual attraction is not there,then nothing else will follow.Nothing.

Rarmond Fohjem said...

that's equally very true!!

Anonymous said...

really helped! very self comforting :) thank you and godbless!

Anonymous said...

I'm in this very situation at this moment in time. My wife does not love me but would rather stay together for the sake of our daughter.. I still love her with all of my heart and can not comprehend how I will co-exist when she verbally states her love will never be there for me. I'm at a loss and do not know how I will ever make it.

Anonymous said...

If you truely love someone and you accepted that its never going change. Is it possible to stay in her life and continue to love her uncontionally even if she don't love you back?

nearirath sreng said...

sometime we think that we try to do everything to for the one we love, even it's one side love or become one side love. Have you asked yourself that what you are doing is to satisfy yourself and your feeling! you are doing that because of yourself too, so its nothing wrong with that as long as you are happy. however, in everything we do in life we have to balance, for example, we have to balance our love for ourselves and for others!!! balance job and personal life and so on!!! what i am saying is just follow your heart, do what your heart tell you to!!! cuz life is too short! after time pass, you are healed you might thing that you would have done a lot stupid things but those little stupid things have made you become a strong person today and those stupid things make you happy even its one side love.

Anonymous said...

We've tried to cut eachother out of our lives for 2 years and she was sad for a long time, I wanted her to know how it feels to lose me but I was also hurting. It really sucks to never stop loving someone and not know whats going on in their life. I'm living my live to the fullest and will continue to do so, but this time I rather stay in her life and love her even if she doesn't love me back. I'm sure this is the most pathetic and most stupid thing ever but like you said life is short if the world ends tomorrow I'd rather she knows that I'll always love her than regret not loving her an extra day. I have never done this before and never heard of anyone that has been through this. Just like you said, this satisfies me and I feel like I can take on this challenge. If its true love, is it really possible to stay in her life even if it means hurting and watching her be with other guys?